Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Disappointment the Sequel

On Feb. 13th, I posted a short rhyme. I won't call it a poem because it does not evoke any type of pleasant feeling for me. I decided to explain that rhyme and share a bit more on the disappointments behind it.

Some family members came to visit mom, the visit was somewhat strained and I had to initiate most conversation. These are family members who have not been to see mom in years, except they did stop once when she was napping so didn't actually get to spend time with her.

Now, I get that a 95 year old woman in a wheel chair, rocking back and forth and sideways and drooling...is not very entertaining, and actually down right, well repulsive is too harsh a work, but you get the idea. But they are family, not friends or acquaintances, but family. One of them didn't even sit down during their time here, preparing for a hasty retreat I would imagine.

I don't usually write about the family because I don't want to ruffle feathers, but sometimes you just have to step out and say something. Like I have told people, it isn't just about coming to see mom either, it is about coming to see me and have some interaction with me too. I told my brother one day, when he said mom didn't talk when he would come over and I said, "Yes, but I do!" So, he will sit and visit with me a bit when he comes to drop off her nutritional drinks. But you know, he never asks about me or mom. I have to force feed him facts about myself and my life, or mom's, so is the visit really helpful to me, not usually.

I told my husband after the family left on Sat., "You know, I am better off when no family comes at all, then I don't have to go through the expectation and disappointment." I do have a few people that come by, once or twice a year who do sit and talk with me, and they are very helpful.

I am so not alone in this whole scenario of expecting from family and friends only to be let down and just want to retreat. Through these last years I have met so many caregivers who deal with the same thing over and over again. It is no wonder we end up becoming recluses, besides not being able to get out very much, we end up having to protect ourselves from "them", and begin to shut "them" out!

I have given the address of my blog to many people, family and friends, only a few have even bothered to check it out, to them I am grateful because they cared enough to know about this "caregiving experience" with mom and I to find out what I had to say. I will continue to blog and expand my sites, because I know to reach even just a few caregivers who are in need of a friend is so important, and I need the writing as an outlet for these myriads of emotions and thoughts that infect me each day.

I so appreciate the friends I have made while blogging, you are more special to me then I can say. You are my family, because you take the time to get to know and understand me, you do not disappoint....

(Footnote:  the family members were only here maybe 15, 20 mins I think)


  1. I have 2 brothers and 1 sister. The only one I have seen in weeks is my sis. She comes over as much as she can to help with mom. The brothers are mad at me. It so happens I take out alot of my craziness on my siblings. The only one who can take it is my sis. I always know women were stronger than man.

  2. I want you to know, firstly, that I faithfully read your blog each week and the pup photo at the top is really precious! :) As for the rest, I can only guess it stems partially from fear.Perhaps your friends and relatives see themselves in 20-30 yrs. and simply don't wanna deal. Obviously, this doesn't excuse their seemng lack of compassion or interest in you or your mom's situation and yes, we do tend to keep to ourselves for the most part,as caregivers, don't we?
    Just seems easier in the long run! Blessings to you and you Mother!

  3. Karen, I had 2 sisters, both have passes away, I have 2 brothers. I am the only one who tends to mom. The only person I can "take out" anything on is my husband! lol Fortunately I don't do that too often! If I haven't had the outlet in blogging, I am sure he would have felt a sunami of emotions coming at him these past years though!

    Judy, thanks for being a regular reader, that means alot to me. You are right about the fear factor that hit many friends and family when they see their parent or other loved one. Is this what I will look like at that age....if...I live that long? Will, I have someone to take care of me or will my family put me in a home?
    They are hidden thoughts and fears in their minds and these thoughts and fears begin to get louder when they come face to face with them as they visit mom or which ever person it is. Of course there is also the fact it is just plain hard to deal with it, I know that too.
    And yes, it is easier to just keep to myself!