It is after the holidays. I have been trying for days to write about the holidays and how I was feeling but just could not get it out. Just was not strong enough to do it, I had to let the emotions pass first. The thing is they really don't go anywhere! This is a new year, but the daily events are the same. It is the holidays that evoke and intensify the already exisitng emotions that keep me prisoner.
This week my husband has gone to see his mom in West Va. She will be 90 next month and is showing the beginning stages of dementia. Hopefully he can share some things with them about preparing for the days ahead. Anyhow, the aloneness is more now, with him gone. There will only be the hospice people coming. The nurse and aid came yesterday, now not again until tomorrow and Fri. I had all the boys over most of last week so I need a "time out" from that this week!Back to my initial topic, the holidays. The prevailing question or thought through Christmas and New Years has been, is this the last I will have with mom? We thought 2008 was the last and she is still here. The changes continue, the end is near, but she can still go on for sometime even in the state she is in.
I have shared before that I did not decorate for this Christmas now past. I do very extensive decorating for Christmas, it is a lot of work, but very enjoyable...my creative expressions. But I knew I was not going to have a very good Christmas, because of thinking about this being mom's last, and other reasons too. So I determined months ago, I was not going to decorate. It made it easier for me to move on into the 'normal' days and continue in my routine without looking at every area of the front room all lit up and glittery. It was hard not to decorate, because "creating" is also therapy for me, but this year it just was not something I wanted to invest my time, energy or emotions into.
I know that one thing that is affecting me is I haven't been able to get to church for awhile, for various reasons. Church is my sanctuary, my social and fellowship time, very important, and I can tell when I haven't been there for awhile. Hopefully this Sunday I can, if my husband is back from WVa. Also the choir is supposed to start up again Monday night getting ready for the Easter Musical. So, I will have some more "escape time" coming soon.
Easter....will this be mom's last Easter with us? On Easter of 2006, we had gone to church, mom was here, we came home mom was gone. She had fallen and actually thought to use her Lifeline button to summon help, and we found her at the hospital. We didn't leave her alone again after that, even though she was mobile with her walker, and had some independence yet. She actually ended up getting a foot fracture in that fall, but that is a whole nother story covered in an earlier post. So, Easter comes with it's own set of memories, that fall she took meant our lives and time took a fall too.
So, a wonderful time of the year, no, it wasn't, and this year hasn't started well either. But there are many days ahead, so I can only hope some of them will be good!